What It Takes To Say No
Saying ‘no’ or hearing a ‘no’ is one of the uncomfortable aspect of human interaction.
There are many reasons why we do not like saying a no. We want others to like us. In case of loved ones, we do not want to hurt them. In case of boss, we don’t want to get hurt. In some way or the other, we are looking for acceptance from others.
I have a hard time saying no. Perhaps you do, too. I think it is more common than we think, especially for those who are empathetic or nurturing. We just hate the thought of hurting someone else’s feelings.
Though we all understand the importance and necessity of saying ‘no’, only a handful of people are able to do it effectively. Learning to say “no” when you authentically mean “no” is a life skill. For some people, it comes quite naturally. For others, it requires habitual practice and conscious use.
So, why develop this skill in the first place?
Saying ‘Yes’ every time may be counterproductive. When we say yes too often, we tend to hurt our relationships. Not only that, but our performance suffers, so it’s impossible to keep up appearances. We let everyone down, especially ourselves.You simply do not have enough time or energy to do everything you would like to do.
How can we develop this important life skill?
First thing is to be clear on priorities. Do I know what I am working towards, my short term, mid term and long term goals? Not just career goals but goals pertaining to health (physical & mental), finances, relationships, spirit.
If you are centered on your spouse, your money your friends, your pleasure or any extrinsic factor, you will keep getting thrown into urgent activities, reacting to the outside forces.
Once the goal is clear, every minute of our day will be purpose driven. Saying an ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ becomes much easier. A focus on personal mission empowers us with wisdom to make those judgements effectively. The way you see your time and the way you spend your time.
Second thing is to understand what am I saying no to.
Keep in mind that when you say ‘yes’ to something, you will always be saying no to some other thing. The situations we encounter daily are not usually black and white. They are in fact many shades of gray. To say ‘yes’ to important priorities, one has to learn to say ‘no’ to other activities, sometimes apparently urgent things. Sometimes, saying yes to a good thing may keep you away from a great thing.
Third is to learn to say ‘no’ without feeling guilty. That’s completely an inside thing. If my intentions are good, people can see beyond the ‘no’ and I need not feel guilty about it.
One needs to develop the courage – pleasantly, smilingly, non-apologetically – to say ‘no’ to things that do not align with the true you.
One of the best approaches I have found in situations where a ‘no’ is beneficial to me and an ‘yes’ is beneficial to the other party is to come up with a third alternative. It may seem that a third alternative does not exist but if you force yourself to think win-win, a third way always appears.
Another approach would be to switch your default response from an affirmative to a negative or take time before saying ‘yes’ or ‘no’. When that moment has passed and emotions have subsided both the parties will be in a better state deal with a negative response.
When you start integrating this life skill into your persona, it may not feel right at first, but it’s necessary for living life truthfully and a skill that will promote good overall emotional health. We can either make this our biggest strength or the worst weakness. Choice is completely ours.
